The Challenge of Forgiveness

Please don't ask me to forgive and forget. It still hurts so much. I just can't let bygones be bygones. If I did, I'm letting the person get away with hurting me. The last thing I want is to pick up right where we left off, because I'll be hurt again.

 

Nothing is more plain that Jesus' command to forgive life's hurts and offences; not once, not twice, but seventy times seven (Mt 18:21-22). Without mincing words, Jesus tells us, "and whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against any one, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses" (Mk 11:25). Jesus taught us to pray, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." As God forgives us, so are we expected to forgive others.

 

Forgiving a person who hurts us is one of the hardest things to do. The truth of the matter is that when we don't forgive, we torture ourselves. We marinate in resentment and bitterness, replay the tape of the offense over and over again in our minds, and toss and turn all night. Our un-forgiveness imprisons us in our misery and robs us of our happiness while at the same time ruins the lives of those around us who must suffer through our machinations.

 

What Forgiveness Isn't

Forgiveness is a complicated matter. What does it really mean to completely and truly forgive?  Father Eamon Tobin's book called, "How to Forgive Yourself and Others" describes many misunderstandings about what forgiveness is and isn't. 

 

Forgiveness is not Forgetting. We don't deny our feelings of pain, anger, or sadness. Well-intentioned people advise us to forgive and forget. Forgiveness doesn't lead to amnesia, because we can't simply remove the memory chip from our brain. What we can do is try to let go of the grudge. When God forgets our sins, it means that God chooses never to bring the matter up again because of Jesus' sacrifice.

 

Forgiveness is not the same as Reconciliation. Forgiving an offender doesn't mean you become friends or pick up right where you left off. In some situations it may unwise or unsafe to restore the relationship, especially if the offender shows no remorse for the wrong they did.

 

Forgiveness is not Conditional. We don't wait until the offender repents before we forgive. Jesus forgave his executioners whether or not they repented. 

 

Forgiveness is not Choosing Mercy Over Justice. Forgiving doesn't mean that the offender is getting away with something. If someone has stolen money from us, forgiving the person does preempt our right to seek justice. Pope John Paul II forgave the man who tried to kill him, but he didn't request that he be let out of jail.

 

Forgiveness is not about a Feeling. We can't wait until it feels right to forgive. We may never feel right. Jesus probably didn't like the Pharisees, yet he forgave them their offences against him.

 

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is a process that takes time (days, months, years, or longer) to let go of the pain, bitterness, and desire to punish the person who offended us. Forgiveness is a decision of our own free will that hopefully will lead to a change of heart. We seek God's divine help to let go of the hurt. With the power of the Holy Spirit, we choose to give up the resentment to which we have every right and instead give the gift of mercy to which the offender has no right.

 

As we let God heal the parts of our life that are broken, we let the pain and grief ascend to heaven so that we can rise to new life and new spirit. Our hearts are open to receive what God is giving us now - a life richer and deeper as a result of what we have experienced, endured, and survived. Our faith compels us to offer forgiveness to our enemies and in doing so we experience peace, joy, and salvation.

 

Journaling with Jesus                

Begin with a few minutes of silent prayer becoming aware of God's presence and humbly seek the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart. Then focus on the Father Tobin's questions for personal reflection and journaling.

 

Do you believe that forgiveness is God's way to deal with hurts and wrongs done to you? Or do you tend to believe that the way to deal with some hurts is to hold on or ignore the hurt?

 

If you are seeking to forgive an offense, do you think that you sincerely and truly desire to let it go? How easy is it for you to seek the Lord's help to forgive?

 

What reasons are making it difficult for you to forgive?

 

Listen for Jesus' response through Scripture, personal insight, and encounters with others. What do you think Jesus might be saying to you at this time?

 

Living in the Presence of God

Living in the Presence of God

There just aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done. Is it fall already?! Oh my gosh! Is that a commercial about Christmas?! There are so many days that I start the day in a rush, run around like a chicken without a head, and end the day by collapsing into bed without one thought of God. I think to myself, if I can just make it through the next few weeks, then I can focus on re-connecting with God. I get there only to realize that in a short while I’m just as tired and harried as before. Is my thinking skewed? Can I only rest in the presence of God when my work is done, when my bills are paid, when my pressures are gone? Am I looking for God in all the wrong places? Am I looking for God at all?

Too often we live divided lives - one part we fulfill our religious obligations - go to church on Sunday and volunteer in a ministry. Once those religious duties are done, we get back to our other life of earning a living, raising children, paying bills, and dealing with challenging in-laws. Our minds are filled with worries and preoccupations that we may miss a multitude of encounters with God in the everyday flow of life.

God comes in search of us in our ordinary, duty-bound, burdened, full of worries, and pressured life. We are more inclined to think that we need to go find God in a far off place. Take for example the event of the Transfiguration (Mt 17:1-13). Jesus goes up to the mountain with Peter, James, and John and is transfigured before them. The Apostles receive a glimpse of our Lord’s divine glory and experience overwhelming joy. Peter says, "Lord, it is good that we are here." Peter wanted that moment to last longer, but it came to an end and the Apostles returned to walking the dusty road alongside Jesus who was sometimes tired, sometimes hungry, and a lot of times misunderstood.

What really matters is to see God behind all the circumstances we find ourselves. How would our lives be different; how would our lives be changed, if we were always aware that God was with us in the messiness of life? What if we defined a religious experience as sitting at the water’s edge, caring for a sick relative, hearing our child’s laughter, or forgiving our neighbor? There we would find Jesus walking alongside us in the midst of our routines, frustrations, families, and people around us.

God comes to us, speaks to us, and touches us through the people we meet, the work that we do, and the nature we see. When our senses are open to see, feel, hear, and touch the gestures of God, we no longer see events as coincidences or dumb luck, but

we see them as God incidences. Did you ever receive a call from a friend just at a time when you needed someone to talk to? You hear yourself saying, "I can’t believe you just called me? I was just thinking of you. I could really use your advice." Is that just a coincidence? Or is it God reassuring you that he knows what you need? What about a time when you doubted God’s existence? You happened to glance up at the evening sky and there in front of you was the most brilliant sunset. You knew that something that beautiful had to be created by God. Was that a coincidence? Or was it God answering your prayer? Every coincidence is God’s way of saying, "I’m thinking about you. I am here."

As we open our eyes and ears in faith, we see people and all created things of this world as revealing something about the glory of God. Real life becomes a religious experience. God is not someone outside of us, rather He at the very core of who we are. Deep within ourselves is a sanctuary where God speaks to us right here and now calling us to receive and share his love that we may experience life in abundance. St. Paul tells us, "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." Now that we know how to see God, everyday is filled with the assurance that God is with us.

Journaling with Jesus 
 
Begin with a few minutes of silent prayer becoming aware of God’s presence and humbly seek the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart. Then focus on the following questions for personal reflection and journaling.

As you reflect on your life, when have you felt closest to God?

Where in your life do you encounter God most powerfully?

When were you surprised by a God incidence?

How would God want you to grow spiritually through the routine of your work, the conflicts and joys of your living situation, the important relationships of your life, and your feelings about yourself?

Listen for Jesus’ response through Scripture, personal insight, and encounters with others. What do you think Jesus might be saying to you at this time?