The Challenge of Forgiveness

Please don't ask me to forgive and forget. It still hurts so much. I just can't let bygones be bygones. If I did, I'm letting the person get away with hurting me. The last thing I want is to pick up right where we left off, because I'll be hurt again.

 

Nothing is more plain that Jesus' command to forgive life's hurts and offences; not once, not twice, but seventy times seven (Mt 18:21-22). Without mincing words, Jesus tells us, "and whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against any one, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses" (Mk 11:25). Jesus taught us to pray, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." As God forgives us, so are we expected to forgive others.

 

Forgiving a person who hurts us is one of the hardest things to do. The truth of the matter is that when we don't forgive, we torture ourselves. We marinate in resentment and bitterness, replay the tape of the offense over and over again in our minds, and toss and turn all night. Our un-forgiveness imprisons us in our misery and robs us of our happiness while at the same time ruins the lives of those around us who must suffer through our machinations.

 

What Forgiveness Isn't

Forgiveness is a complicated matter. What does it really mean to completely and truly forgive?  Father Eamon Tobin's book called, "How to Forgive Yourself and Others" describes many misunderstandings about what forgiveness is and isn't. 

 

Forgiveness is not Forgetting. We don't deny our feelings of pain, anger, or sadness. Well-intentioned people advise us to forgive and forget. Forgiveness doesn't lead to amnesia, because we can't simply remove the memory chip from our brain. What we can do is try to let go of the grudge. When God forgets our sins, it means that God chooses never to bring the matter up again because of Jesus' sacrifice.

 

Forgiveness is not the same as Reconciliation. Forgiving an offender doesn't mean you become friends or pick up right where you left off. In some situations it may unwise or unsafe to restore the relationship, especially if the offender shows no remorse for the wrong they did.

 

Forgiveness is not Conditional. We don't wait until the offender repents before we forgive. Jesus forgave his executioners whether or not they repented. 

 

Forgiveness is not Choosing Mercy Over Justice. Forgiving doesn't mean that the offender is getting away with something. If someone has stolen money from us, forgiving the person does preempt our right to seek justice. Pope John Paul II forgave the man who tried to kill him, but he didn't request that he be let out of jail.

 

Forgiveness is not about a Feeling. We can't wait until it feels right to forgive. We may never feel right. Jesus probably didn't like the Pharisees, yet he forgave them their offences against him.

 

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is a process that takes time (days, months, years, or longer) to let go of the pain, bitterness, and desire to punish the person who offended us. Forgiveness is a decision of our own free will that hopefully will lead to a change of heart. We seek God's divine help to let go of the hurt. With the power of the Holy Spirit, we choose to give up the resentment to which we have every right and instead give the gift of mercy to which the offender has no right.

 

As we let God heal the parts of our life that are broken, we let the pain and grief ascend to heaven so that we can rise to new life and new spirit. Our hearts are open to receive what God is giving us now - a life richer and deeper as a result of what we have experienced, endured, and survived. Our faith compels us to offer forgiveness to our enemies and in doing so we experience peace, joy, and salvation.

 

Journaling with Jesus                

Begin with a few minutes of silent prayer becoming aware of God's presence and humbly seek the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart. Then focus on the Father Tobin's questions for personal reflection and journaling.

 

Do you believe that forgiveness is God's way to deal with hurts and wrongs done to you? Or do you tend to believe that the way to deal with some hurts is to hold on or ignore the hurt?

 

If you are seeking to forgive an offense, do you think that you sincerely and truly desire to let it go? How easy is it for you to seek the Lord's help to forgive?

 

What reasons are making it difficult for you to forgive?

 

Listen for Jesus' response through Scripture, personal insight, and encounters with others. What do you think Jesus might be saying to you at this time?